Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair.
Don't rip the stuffing from that chair!
Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes. What IS that mush?
Eat your cookies. Drink your drink,
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
Away from the cat box, it's for the cat!
And MUST you kiss me after that?
Yes, raising a puppy, is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny, they're also quite crazy.
But don't despair, though its toil and strife.
After three years, you'll get back your life!
So, let's go for "walkies", you can "do your thing"
And perhaps I'll get back my good diamond ring!

Author Unknown

The Winner at Dog Obedience School




Does Your Cat Own You?

• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

• Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

• Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

• Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

• Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

• Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

• Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

• Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

• Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?

• Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

• Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?

• Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?

• When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

• Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

• Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

• Do you you make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

• At the store, do you pick out the catfood before you pick out anything for yourself?

• Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

• Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you're reading?

• Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

• Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

• Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

• Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

• Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)

• When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

• Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

• When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

• Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

St. Patty's Day Humor

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."