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Poem for New Puppy Owners
Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants,
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks; don't grab my hair...
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!!
Don't eat those peas, don't touch that bush,
Don't chew my shoes, what IS this mush!?!
Eat your cookies, drink your drink,
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
AWAY FROM THE LITER BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT!
(and must you kiss me after that!?!)
Raising a puppy is not for the lazy,
Those rugrats are funny, but also quite crazy.
Don't despair through the toil and the strife.
'Cause after three years you'll get back your life!
So lets go for walkies, so you can do your "thing"
And maybe I'll get back my diamond ring!
-Author unknown
10 Reasons its Great to be a Dog
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
A Greyhound's Prayer
The greatest thing I've ever known,
Someone came and took me home.
I'm away from the track; hope I never go back!
Like a nightmare in my memory, my future looked black.
Then I was adopted and my life was spared.
I thank God everyday that someone cared.
This must be heaven, I'm a winner this time,
Got a ball, a bone, and a bed that's all mine.
I'm crazy about my family;
Devoted you might say.
Like a shadow beside them,
You bet I want to stay.
I'm special too, they call me "sweetheart",
They hug me and kiss me and tell me I'm smart.
Even dreams are more peaceful; no stress, no strife,
Now I run for fun and not for my life.
Author Unknown.
My Dog Has a Problem
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, 'My dog has a problem.'
Dr. Saul says, 'So, tell me about the dog and the problem.'
'It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,' says Morty.
'He can talk?' the doubting doctor asks.
'Watch this!' Morty points to the dog and commands: 'Irving, Fetch!'
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
 'So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you te ll me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!'
Dr. Saul is amazed, 'This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?'
Morty says, 'He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.''
Jewish Dog
A man walks into synogogue with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a religious Jewish dog.... Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis around its neck.
"Morris," says the man to the dog, "daven (pray) !".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven in perfect Hebrew.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, or get him into a Yeshiva and your dog Morris could become a Rabbi !!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to be a lawyer."
A Dog Named Sex
Every body who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said, " You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny---I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.
Top Ten Signs You've Gone To A Bad Veterinarian
10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"
9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.
8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!
7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.
6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."
5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."
4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"
3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.
2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.
1. He bites!
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